A Broken Life

Life has been really shitty lately. It all started right before I went on break for school. I’ve been behind in my current class so even during break I am playing catch up. My last counseling session before break was really emotional and left me in tears and feeling absolutely awful the rest of the day. The only solution I can see to the Chris problem is moving away, and that terrifies me too because the thought of leaving the pass is emotional because I love it here let alone the fact that Jeff might not want to move, which is scary. I feel like we have all this stuff that we have kind of talked about but not in detail. On top of all that, I’m having trouble with my car loan which hasn’t been solved in over 6 months and the fact that my car is now broken with a flat tire and broken windshield wipers making it so I can’t even leave the pass to get away. I’m also watching my landlords dogs which isn’t even that difficult but not knowing if I can sleep in my own bed at night makes it stressful and then even when I do, Jeff can’t fall asleep and I have no solution to getting my animals to leave us alone while we sleep. I’m just really overwhelmed with everything right now but I think the real reason is because of Chris. He’s a jerk and none of this is fair that I am the only one dealing with it while he runs around like nothing happened.

I hate Chris so much. I don’t want to see him this year at all. I’m absolutely terrified of seeing him. It’s not fair that I’m sitting here writing about this while balling my eyes out. He still gets to pretend like nothing ever happened and I’m sitting here terrified. I’m excited but also really scared of seeing him this year. Watching the snow fall in the mountains this morning should have been a positive experience but instead it makes me sad.

When I was 18, I was raped by a man I loved. He was my best friend. We did everything together. He made me laugh every day. I trusted him. I was naive to think that I meant something to him. He took my weaknesses and slowly picked them apart and used them against me. For the longest time, I was in denial about what happened. I let myself believe he was a better man. That if given the same situation again it wouldn’t happen. I was wrong. I heard about the other women he did the same thing to. He is not a better man. He hurt me in more ways then I knew were possible. It wasn’t just the rape. He banged my head into the wall and punched me in the stomach. The worst of it all was when he mentally abused me. I didn’t deserve what he did to me. And yet, he still walks today with no punishment. So I have learned to be okay with it. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without those terrible experiences. I am stronger because of him.

Today life is good. I moved in with my boyfriend recently and it is going AMAZING. Better than I could have ever imagined. He is absolutely amazing. He treats me perfect and is super caring and considerate. On top of that, I am living somewhere I have always wanted to live, but never could because of finances, job, etc. On top of that, I got offered my dream job today and it is 5 minutes from where we live. I am so fucking happy. It all feels too good to be true. 

It’s real, I’m quitting my job tomorrow, moving to the mountains to become a ski bum and moving in with my boyfriend of only 6 months. This is the literal dream. I wl be SAVING money by moving to the mountains vs living in the city. I will be so much happier being a ski bum. My boyfriend and I are doing month to month so even if things go bad, at least we have an out. I will be on my parents insurance until April when I turn 26 so I don’t need to worry about benefits. I start my masters program in April, and can get reduced benefits then. I am so freaking excited but also so freaking nervous. This is a risk. What if something with my masters doesn’t work out? What is my boyfriend and I break up? What if it doesn’t work out and I quit my job for no reason? This is the literal dream of mine. I can do this.

I’m friends with my rapist. I am genuinely friends with him. After all this time. The last 6 years has been an emotional roller coaster. I denied it, I cried, I got angry, I felt suicidal, I blamed him, I felt forgiveness, I felt bad for him. So many emotions. If it was my choice I would not be friends with him now. But, he hangs out with all of the same people I do. And last weekend, while we were camping I genuinely was happy that he was there. I told my counselor about this and he didn’t even know what to say because it’s something new to him. How does this even happen?